Ice Road F*ckers

Posted: July 13, 2010 in Television Review
Tags: , , ,

Do you watch this piece of shit? I do!

Do you know why I watch this shit? Good! ‘Cause I don’t!

This “television show” is– beyond a shadow of a doubt– one of the most poorly manufactured, low-rent “reality” offerings ever foisted on the world… and it sucks harder than Lindsay Lohan hoping for “credit” at her a coke dealer’s house.

A Human SNIPING Machine... Among OTHER things.

You see this stupid shit to the right? This short waddling fuck is Hugh “The Polar Bear” Roland. Every year he shows up to “do battle” with this other big trucker guy named Alex Debogorsky.

It doesn’t matter that the “battle” between these two men is completely fake– an artificial construct forced on these poor drivers by grasping producers sadly attempting to add tension to this homogenized hoo-ha. Nope, that doesn’t matter at all.

These two guys banter back and forth on their CB Radios or get in each other’s faces every week… Feebly attempting to keep up the appearance of some deep-seated rivalry.

The "angry" Alex Debogorsky. Grrrr.

Well, at least the drivers are jockeying for some great prize, right? BIG MONEY, right?

NO! There is NO PRIZE! NO PARADE! NO PAY-OFF for being the driver who has driven the most loads up and down the dangerous winding ice road… Just the “bragging rights” that they came in first in “the dash for the cash”.

“WHAT FUCKING CASH” you ask?

You mean they just receive their REGULAR PAYCHECK at the end of the year?!? The same one they’d get if NO cameras were rolling? Yep.

To be clear– I don’t have much of a beef with Alex. He’s a rustic man. The proud Catholic Papa of ELEVEN children. But, be warned– he has a really weird sense of humor that causes him to laugh at the most inopportune moments. Still, I gotta hand it to him. If I had 11 kids ages 7 to 35, I’d be crying non-stop or dead… So he’s a better man than me.

So Alex is OK… But this Hugh “The Polar Bear” Roland guy really gets my panties in a bunch. His has maybe the worst “Napoleon Complex” I have ever witnessed. He makes Tom Cruise look ten feet tall.

Short and round like the Legion of Super-Heroes Bouncing Boy, Hugh’s got none of the aforementioned hero’s good-natured likability or positive traits. He is a broad snake of a man, spitting venom at every single comment someone makes– even if it is not directed at him. His contempt for everyone and everything is endless. He insults French Toast for chrissakes! Worst of all, he LAUGHS and LAUGHS after every one of his lame bon mots– like he’s attempting to be the ice road equivalent of the irritating vaudeville comedian Henny Youngman.

Hugh’s hollow laughs are all for the show. He knows he sucks ass… and the more he knows, the more he snipes. And laughs– LOUDLY and LONG. You can tell that the presence of cameras only serve to amplify Hugh’s boorish traits. Some “reality” that makes, huh?

Even worse than the bombastic Polar Bear though– is the show itself. You’d think with all these truckers whizzing around hairpin turns on roads covered with ice and snow (hence the series’ title) something would happen– sometime. BUT NOTHING EVER HAPPENS. Every fucking week the voice-over guy (also the show’s producer in another asinine cost-cutting move) acts like something horrible is just around the next curve– trucks will jack-knife, trucks will fall off a cliff, truckers will get covered by an avalanche– but none of that shit ever fucking happens! Every week it is just the same bunch of sad sacks, looking at the cameras and giving their “worst case scenario” speech for every minor predicament that they may encounter. Of course, their fantasized tales always reek of death, destruction and freezing… But the worst thing these idiots ever face on “The most dangerous ice road in the world!” is having to slap chains onto their truck tires. And Boy! Do they BITCH about having to do that! Even the Polar Bear doesn’t laugh when he’s putting on chains, Baby! He just huffs, puffs, grunts and whines like an overweight pig.

Finally, more offensive than all the producer’s blatant story manipulations– is their portrayal of the only FEMALE Ice Road Trucker, Lisa Kelly.

Hey Lisa, You're So Fine... Your'e So Fine You BLOW My...Errr....

It certainly doesn’t help Lisa’s overall appeal that she was willing to play the half-wit, bat-your-eyes-at-the-boys-so-they’ll-fix-your-truck prick tease last season. She accomplished a lot of cool things all by herself by doing her job competently a year ago– especially considering she was constantly facing the jibes of the Redneck Ice Trucker Iron Curtain. But because she was so willing to play the Flirty Git, now all the truckers– including ALL HER BOSSES– seem to think Lisa has “something to prove” this year. (Or so they lead us to believe.)

So every friggin’ week we’re treated to scene after scene of Lisa battling against the ice road and the other trucker’s crippling misconceptions… Even though they have ALL CONVENIENTLY FORGOTTEN SHE ALREADY PROVED HERSELF LAST YEAR. So does Lisa rebel and start emphasizing all her accomplishments in a feminist tirade worthy of a modern Norma Rae? Nope. She takes the OTHER Sally Field approach– she smiles widely, bends over, takes her “medicine” like a champ and hopes they all like her, they really like her. Just like Alex and Hugh’s rivalry– Lisa’s entire redemption storyline is yet another fake construct… Except this bullshit is much more grave as it not only promotes sexismit revels in it with a bacchanalian fervor.

Women should openly weep at Lisa Kelly’s one-sided portrayal on this show… And Lisa should go into another line of work that has more self-esteem and stature connected to it… Like stripping.

At the end of each episode, when I really think about it– I sit and wonder if I might just be continuing to watch this poorly made piece of trash because I am hoping some disaster WILL strike– therefore “validating” the wasting of my life by watching this shit for three years running.

If that is true– and I’ve become just some TV ambulance chaser secretly wishing for a poor trucker to experience a major league bout of horrifying misfortune… I might be worse than the Producers. Or, at the very least, just as much to blame as them.

Yeah, maybe that’s it. Maybe we’re ALL just assholes.

Comments
  1. Locusmortiis says:

    Its almost as bad as that program about alaskan fishermen on discovery channel, holy fuck thats boring.

    • Insideman says:

      Locusmortis– I don’t if you’ve actually seen Ice Road Truckers (I’m currently pitching Ice Road Fuckers to my friends in the Porn Industry)… But the ice road is TEN MILLION TIMES MORE BORING than watching the Deadliest Catch fishermen work on a slow day! ;-)

      YES, THAT’S HOW BAD IT IS.

  2. Locusmortiis says:

    I’ve not watched more than a few minutes of ice road truckers before wanting to get a scissors and stab myself in the neck repeatedly.

    Now Destroyed in Seconds is a program I can watch, hour after hour of top fuel drag racers crashing into metal barriers, those guys must have brains the size of peas to do that shit

  3. Michael says:

    This show is so bad I just have to watch it sometimes, it’s just amazing something this lame is a TV show.

  4. Stamps says:

    I hate Ice Road Truckers.

    But Deadliest Catch on the other hand is my OBSESSION when a new season is airing.

    • Insideman says:

      I totally agree Stamps. I only watch IRT (too lazy to spell the whole thing) because I can make the guy who told me to watch it feel bad.

      Most hilarious thing? They used to actually DRIVE OVER ICE. Now they rarely do.

      I love Deadliest Catch too. So much, I couldn’t watch the tribute to Phil Harris yet. Still sits on my DVR taunting me.

      But they did give the Captain a REALLY NICE posthumous shout out at the EMMYS. I was both impressed and very happy.

  5. bammer says:

    Lol I gut here by just searching for iceroad fuckers. Title perfectly suits for this show.

    I found this crap lately, watching 1-2 parts first was OK but then it hit me how can they make a whole tv series from this boring utter crap.

    Lets see the characters:

    1, Lisa:
    She is a made up character who got put into this crapshow cause tits might increase the ratings. OMG she keep working to buy back her little pony horse thats so fucking pathetic considering that on other parts of the world people work for 200$s just to survive.

    2, Greg
    This skinny ****** with his broken teeth would get so beaten up as a camion driver. His wife is an ugly bitch too. I wouldn’t keep “earning paychecks for a family like that back home”, rather get some street whores and spend the money on them or replace that ugly ass wife.

    3, Ray
    Was kinda funny when he was keep putting the lipstick on and went into the ditch. What a fucking ******, real truck drivers must have laugh their asses on watching this loser. His wife is another ugly shit, something I’m not jealous for sure :D

    4, Alex and hugh
    These characters would be anything near to a real truck driver. Just simply boring and idiotic.

    5, Carlile boss
    This guy is a ******, a normal boss would so fire all of the truck breakers for 1st shot like hell.

    6, Pilot car drivers
    There was when 1 bitch fucked up on the CB, for something like that you would get instant fired IRL.

    Theres one thing common in all the drivers, in real life they would FIRE THEM THE HELL OUT after 2 weeks. There are way too many new drivers waiting in line to take their place.

    Basically this whole movie is staged with a high level of safety. Nothing interesting will ever happen and even if 1 of them would drive down a cliff and die it wouldn’t be aired…

    So if you want to see a really LOSER FAIL tv show then watch the iceroad fuckers.

  6. bammer says:

    Just watched the final episode of this season. God I think it was the final episode for me forever.

    Happy ending of course, Lisa gets her horse, Ray wins the load count but this was a surprise that from all the idiots they fuck with Hugh because of the damaged heaters.

    Lisa went into the ditch once, give up 1 oversize load, couldn’t fix her truck but hey its ok cause she is giving good blows for the boss. She will be our best driver for sure!

    What I was laughing on is the little cocky Greg got so pissed that his the last in the load count and lost the race to Ray. He even called up the boss about reporting Ray making his fucking car spin lol and what did he get just a bunch of insults.

    I feel so sorry the idiots beeped out what Ray and Jack said in the office, all I got from it was … “cry baby” …

    Ah won’t even waste more time writing about this crap. :)

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s