Archive for August 20, 2010

WTF?

Received my Rolling Stone today… with the TRUE BLOOD Cover.

I get what you’re trying to do HBO– but cut it out already.

IT’S OVERKILL

Remember when Rolling Stone used to cover MUSIC? Yeah, me NEITHER.

This is NOT a true story!

Did I ever tell you that after all those one night stands, Peter Parker has the Herpes?

A likely candidate... But no

I know, right? Logically, if he was gonna get it from anybody– it most assuredly would’ve been the Black Cat. But NO – the culprit’s gonna be Mary Jane Watson Parker.

Yep. MJ’s gonna give Peter the Herpes. At least that’s what Dan Slott just told me Joey Q called up and demanded he write the other day. Seems that people are STILL hung up about there being no real marriage between Pete and Mary Jane. They’re apparently missing MJ more than ever– even after the O.M.I.T. storyline– so Joey Q wants to sully her rep as much as possible so people will stop loving her… So he’s decided to go the STD route– as if that’s really something to be ashamed of to begin with (cause it isn’t). Yet JQ’s undeterred. He told Slott, “Unlike Peter and Mary Jane’s marriage– herpes is forever!”

Slott also told me that if the “herpes angle” doesn’t work, JQ has insisted he write another new story arc that reveals MJ is now pregnant with twins after having three-way sex with Harry & Norman Osborn. The way Joey Q sees it this third time– when Peter doesn’t show for the wedding, Mary Jane’s Aunt insists they throw the reception anyway. MJ understandably gets tipsy at the party, Normie takes advantage– and forces Harry to join in so he can “learn how to act like a man.”

The twins will be dizygotic (non-fraternal). One will be Norman’s and the other baby will belong to Harry.

Holy Shit!

Slott then said that if none of these “carefully crafted” moves successfully destroys Mary Jane’s fan base, JQ has devised one last fail-safe plan that will rewrite the O.M.I.T. storyline one FINAL time. Now, instead of MJ whispering heretofore unheard of demands (designed to protect Peter) into Mephisto’s ear– she will now offer to become the devil’s wife.

The Bride of Mephisto storyline will take place under the collective O.S.H.I.T. Banner* and will drag out across 24 $5.99 one-shots– All of which will be released in a single month (and collected into a Deluxe Over-Sized Omnibus Hardcover retailing for $174.99 less than 45 days later.)

As has become Marvel’s usual practice, most of these one-shots will be primarily filled with previously printed material from several Amazing Spider-Man comics– all released some 20 to 30 years ago. These “classic flashback” segments (as JQ has fondly dubbed them) will not have much– if anything– to do with the current O.S.H.I.T. storyline. Of course the writers, penciliers and inkers (no colorists or letterers) of these earlier works will be compensated at the standard rate of 4 cents per every 10,000 copies sold.

Just another day at the Poon-Tang Corral for new SEXUALLY IRRESPONSIBLE Peter Parker

About six months after the O.S.H.I.T. storyline concludes, Slott will reveal that the radioactive spider venom still cursing in Peter’s blood had caused a false positive on the herpes test. Therefore, Peter never truly had the sexually transmitted disease. It will also be intimated that the same irradiated venom keeps Parker perpetually safe from all STDs– so he can resume banging different women every night.

Meanwhile, MJ will continue to blow the hideously malformed Mephisto in Hell… And she will rarely, if ever, be mentioned in the Marvel Universe again.

*O.S.H.I.T. first coined by DEEMAR, artist in residence at the CCW*TV Blog

A funny from Comic Book Resources

Billy Bush Gets His 2nd TV Show!

It has just been reported that Billy Bush– first cousin to former President George W. Bush–is hosting a SECOND daily TV Show.

Which one of these people would I rather see on this show-- alone?

This means Billy will be on Access Hollywood every night of the week in the US and now on Access Hollywood Live! every weekday for an hour. For those who think that is still not enough Bush can also listen to his national syndicated radio show– The Billy Bush Show.

Usually when Presidents serve out their terms or fall in approval ratings– their siblings, sons, daughters or other family relations follow suit. But not Billy Bush. He seems to be trucking along quite nicely– bucking the trend established by so many other political relatives like Billy Carter, Jack Ford and Roger Clinton.

I wonder… Does this miraculous staying power have anything to do with the way Billy poses for publicity photographs now?

I’m thinking I should work at one of those analyst think tanks– like the one on that new AMC show Rubicon… Because I’ve noticed that Billy always leans in his pictures.

If you look at the following photos, you might naturally assume he is leaning to the right.

BUT HE’S NOT. In actuality, Billy is leaning to HIS LEFT!

Just like he does in this photo:

How's that TWILIGHT 'DO working out, Billy?

Or this one:

Leaning Far Left

Again, here:

A Little More to the Left, Billy

Notice the subtle nod to the left in this coquettish close-up:

You're NOT fooling us, Mr. Bush!

THE QUESTION IS “WHY?”

Why did Billy start leaning left? Is he ashamed of his GOP brethren or is it just a blatant acceptance of the current Democrat power base?

We may never know… but we do believe this: Billy barely has enough talent to tie his shoes.

You already see that he can’t dress himself or style his hair beyond a Robert Pattinson homage. His interviews often seem poorly prepared and his soft questioning technique makes Larry King look like a hardball specialist.

He seems like a boorish eunuch every time he hosts the Miss Universe pageant . He’s more impressed by his childish one-liners than he is with the wealth of fabulous pulchritude on display. I’ve looked at hundreds of pictures of Billy Bush (pray for me) and while he’s almost always photographed with numerous gorgeous women (Nancy O’Dell, Daisy Fuentes, Eva Longoria Parker, etc.)– this is the only picture I could find where he looked like he was checking out some ass:

Strap Holder

And he wasn’t really putting the eyes anything here. Katherine Heigl’s dress strap had broken and he was holding it for her.

I want to make it clear that I am not attempting to say Billy is gay… And I couldn’t care less if he was.

My big beef with the man is he is always far too busy displaying his “charm” to the camera– that he seems oblivious to all the hotness at his side. Billy Bush is in the Billy Bush business and nothing else… Where the world revolves around his own personal satellite. I’ve never been able abide this type of singular form of self-absorption from anyone– even the most talented of people–  and I am certainly not going to heap praise on this talentless twit.

In short, I am doing something I normally wouldn’t: I am begging. Please crawl back into your cave of anonymity, Billy. I thought you would be gone by now. Kaput. Finito. But you’re still here, polluting my airwaves and flashing across my TV set no matter how hard I attempt to avoid you. Realistically, I don’t expect you to listen… As you seem as impervious to rational criticism as your cousin was.

There is one bright note in all this hellish mess, though. The longer you stay around, the more likely you are to pose for stupid pictures like this:

Billy & Ronald-- Separated at Birth?

Hopefully, a portent of Billy Bush jobs to come.

For those of us not born until the 1980’s, here’s a little something you missed.

Many of you may know her as a raging liberal or just someone one comes out of retirement to sing at Democratic Fundraisers.

Ah… but if you were born in the 1960’s– or even the 1950’s– this is how you would remember about Barbra Streisand

WHAT’S UP DOC?

(1972)

And you thought no one was hot in the 70's!

I know several men (and a surprisingly large number of women) in their 20’s and 30’s who would have been all over this!