This is NOT a true story!
Did I ever tell you that after all those one night stands, Peter Parker has the Herpes?
I know, right? Logically, if he was gonna get it from anybody– it most assuredly would’ve been the Black Cat. But NO — the culprit’s gonna be Mary Jane Watson Parker.
Yep. MJ’s gonna give Peter the Herpes. At least that’s what Dan Slott just told me Joey Q called up and demanded he write the other day. Seems that people are STILL hung up about there being no real marriage between Pete and Mary Jane. They’re apparently missing MJ more than ever— even after the O.M.I.T. storyline– so Joey Q wants to sully her rep as much as possible so people will stop loving her… So he’s decided to go the STD route– as if that’s really something to be ashamed of to begin with (cause it isn’t). Yet JQ’s undeterred. He told Slott, “Unlike Peter and Mary Jane’s marriage– herpes is forever!”
Slott also told me that if the “herpes angle” doesn’t work, JQ has insisted he write another new story arc that reveals MJ is now pregnant with twins after having three-way sex with Harry & Norman Osborn. The way Joey Q sees it this third time– when Peter doesn’t show for the wedding, Mary Jane’s Aunt insists they throw the reception anyway. MJ understandably gets tipsy at the party, Normie takes advantage– and forces Harry to join in so he can “learn how to act like a man.”
The twins will be dizygotic (non-fraternal). One will be Norman’s and the other baby will belong to Harry.
Slott then said that if none of these “carefully crafted” moves successfully destroys Mary Jane’s fan base, JQ has devised one last fail-safe plan that will rewrite the O.M.I.T. storyline one FINAL time. Now, instead of MJ whispering heretofore unheard of demands (designed to protect Peter) into Mephisto’s ear– she will now offer to become the devil’s wife.
The Bride of Mephisto storyline will take place under the collective O.S.H.I.T. Banner* and will drag out across 24 $5.99 one-shots– All of which will be released in a single month (and collected into a Deluxe Over-Sized Omnibus Hardcover retailing for $174.99 less than 45 days later.)
As has become Marvel’s usual practice, most of these one-shots will be primarily filled with previously printed material from several Amazing Spider-Man comics– all released some 20 to 30 years ago. These “classic flashback” segments (as JQ has fondly dubbed them) will not have much– if anything— to do with the current O.S.H.I.T. storyline. Of course the writers, penciliers and inkers (no colorists or letterers) of these earlier works will be compensated at the standard rate of 4 cents per every 10,000 copies sold.
About six months after the O.S.H.I.T. storyline concludes, Slott will reveal that the radioactive spider venom still cursing in Peter’s blood had caused a false positive on the herpes test. Therefore, Peter never truly had the sexually transmitted disease. It will also be intimated that the same irradiated venom keeps Parker perpetually safe from all STDs– so he can resume banging different women every night.
Meanwhile, MJ will continue to blow the hideously malformed Mephisto in Hell… And she will rarely, if ever, be mentioned in the Marvel Universe again.
*O.S.H.I.T. first coined by DEEMAR, artist in residence at the CCW*TV Blog