Archive for September 4, 2010

TRULY HORRIFYING

Entertainment Weekly‘s Scariest Films of the Past Decade

*Sniff*... Can someone pass me another tissue? *Sniff!*

I guess it was appropriate that I was reading this on the crapper as I about shit myself when I saw this list. These are the SCARIEST FILMS of the PAST DECADE? WTF?

The Ring was the best Hollywood could do in 10 whole years? A little wet bitch crawling out of TV is supposed to scare me… Let alone be the scariest thing I’ve seen in the LAST DECADE? Girl wasn’t even in 3D for chrissakes! Maybe if I felt like the witch had been crawling at me… Nah, who am I kidding? The only way that little girl would’ve scared me is if she’d lifted her head to reveal she was Sarah Palin and then announced, “I’m running for President in 2012.”

Now that would’ve been enough to freeze me dead in agony– my mouth torn agape in fear.

But I didn’t see that. I saw a wet little girl crawl out of a well and into a couple of different living rooms. I didn’t even see how she killed her victims. That was always all off camera.

Puhleeze people. I see scarier shit then this when I go to the Wal-Mart. The only thing scary about this movie is how dated it is because people have to watch a VIDEO TAPE to become cursed.

Do you even know anyone who owns a VCR anymore? I know 1 girl who does and 1 guy who’s looking for one to watch some old anime on. As I said the other day, “Good luck with that search, Bro. There are more pairs of Paris Hilton’s previously worn panties on sale out there than there are VCRs.” (I’ve included a handy link about VCRs for those kids who may have never heard of the machines.)

I’m not even going to attempt to attack the rest of this list– since the results are all subjective anyway. Although, anybody that would put 28 Days Later 4th on this craptacular (below The Descent) should really be thoroughly examined as their taste is… Oh there, I go again.

I’ll shut my mouth. In the meantime you can do what I did with the list– Read it and weep.