Archive for the ‘Crap’ Category

And frankly, it looks like a

PIECE OF SHIT

From The Daily Blam!

What a clusterfuck!

You can half-way understand when a Powerless Comic Book Company has no say in how their characters will be interpreted on film. But Warner Bros owns DC Comics for chrissakes… So who didn’t care enough or have the balls to simply say, “Uh folks… You know this film would be a lot more more fan friendly if you could, at least, leave the damn battery alone.”

First the suit, now the battery.

Hopefully  the story will make up for it.

I think the sight of a dozen– or 144– GLOWING Green Lanterns whizzing around in space with day glo costumes is going to epilepsy inducing– if not downright damaging to my corneas.

Just remember, these are the same people who gave the OK for Catwoman and Superman Returns!

(Thanks to CCW*TV Blog’s Jose Melendez for the link!)

YOU KNOW WHAT THIS LOOK LIKE?

SHIT.

(Please be patient while the trailer loads.)

Although, I do admit to digging Anthony LaPaglia’s turn as Lex Luthor!

Seriously, be content with what you’ve already got.

Buy Absolute All Star Superman when it is released in a few weeks!

HARD TO SWALLOW… EVEN HARDER TO DIGEST

Good enough to be a Regular-Sized Comic... But apparently NOT "good enough" to stay that size forever.

LET’S JUST JUMP RIGHT IN, SHALL WE?

How would you like to order a Marvel Trade Paperback only to have it arrive and be 1/3 to 1/2 smaller than you anticipated? My guess is you wouldn’t like it. At all.

Happens to me all the time… And I am sick and fucking tired of buying trades that end up being digest sized books. Worst of all? Marvel sorta seems to being doing all this on the sly…. So don’t feel bad if– like me– you end up buying

See the simplistic art? This SCREAMS younger reader.

lots of books you don’t want because Marvel often buries the specs on their smaller format collections in a mountain of hype. Is it intentional? I have to believe it is– at least partially– since their other digest collections– like Marvel Adventures and their Runaways series–  are clearly marked as being digest sized.

You might think that’s the only reason I harbor such a dislike for these tiny books. You’d be very wrong. I have many reasons… The 2 most basic being 1) As mentioned,  I feel their sizes are often misrepresented in the Marvel Previews descriptions and 2) I don’t believe the smaller publication size is worth the FULL DOLLAR price tags Marvel charges.

How can a digest sized book seriously carry the same price tag as a larger, regular-sized trade paperback? Does Marvel really expect us to believe the smaller size doesn’t save them significant money? Cause it does– both in lower amounts of the paper and inks needed to produce the books and lower shipping costs incurred sending the products to their final retail destinations.

Before I vent any further, I want to state that I understand the bulk of the Marvel’s digest books are meant to be aimed at a younger, more GENERAL audience. I have zero problems with that. After all, you’re reading opinions from a person who proudly collects– (and actually reads!)– all of James Kochalka‘s Johnny Boo: The Best Little Ghost in the World books… And these books are aimed at kindergarten kids!

NO COMIC SNOBS HERE

I’ve always believed that general audience books can be extremely entertaining… And I certainly don’t need to read about ass rape and female decapitation every time I pick up a comic to feel like I’ve fully lived my life as a discerning comics connoisseur.

Johnny Boo is for kids and it is a BIG BOOK with HARD COVERS! How can this be Marvel? Kids only read small, flimsy books... Right?

I understand that someone at Marvel assumes their general audience releases need to be made smaller– for smaller hands. But here’s the problem with that frickin’ assumption: Most of the concepts and plots in the “general audience” Marvel comic books are much more complicated than, let’s say, the plots found in Andy Runton‘s excellent Owly series… or  Kochalka’s aforementioned Johnny Boo. And the crazy thing about Boo? Those books are hardcovers printed in a larger size format than the Marvel digests… For kids in kindergarten! Where’s the logic in that, Marvel?

Doesn't LOOK like a kids' book either

Here’s just some of the plot for Black Widow and the Marvel Girls– transcribed word for word from the back cover of the recent Marvel digest release: “While removing a rogue weapons dealer from an impregnable safe house, the Black Widow remembers her escape from the brutal KGB training ground known as the Red Room…” Cone on, does that sound like the plot of a “kiddie” book? It is my firm belief that any child that can understand that story has to be old enough to hold a larger book.

How do I know this? Well to start, I wasn’t spit out of Hell’s foul embrace like an ignorant Hellboy. (At least I don’t think I was.) I grew up reading comics after I basically taught myself how to read… Conquering the thick Charlotte’s Web novel by the time I was five. If I could hold a book like that, I also held a comic book or a comic trade paperback (they were called “Annuals” back then) with ease. I have no doubt that I would have found these miniature comics just as irritating back then as I do today.

OKAY, SO I’M A “SIZE-IST”

The other reason I can’t stand these little buggers– besides the misrepresentation, over-priced volumes and too small sizes?

Easy to read my ass! And this was one of the MORE STEALTHY, LESS VERBOSE pages

The artwork reprinted in these collections was originally rendered in a STANDARD SIZE– meant to fit in a “regular-size” comic book. The art is not drawn for Manga-size books (the format these Marvel digests most clearly ape)– where the artists tailor their work and storytelling techniques to favor the smaller format. These are regular comic pages reduced to fit into a pitifully small area. You can’t really enjoy the art… As the pages were never drawn in consideration of the digest format.

What thought– other than greed could Marvel be using as they take all these great stories (that were once printed regular comic size) and reduce them to digest size? Are they that desperate to shave their margins on these books? I would have loved to read the collections for Spider-Man Secret Wars, Iron Man: Armor Wars or Dr. Doom and Masters of Evil in “normal” trade paperbacks. Not so interested now that the publishers have insisted on squeezing these stories into books one might easily find stuck in a McDonald’s Happy Meal box one day. I’m exaggerating, of course… But not by much.

Plus, why are almost all of Marvel’s recent female-centric books being almost surreptitiously released in this shitty format as well?  Why am I paying regular sized trade prices for small books featuring these popular women as lead characters? Here are just a few of the titles (and prices) of some of the female led books I won’t be reading: Black Widow and the Marvel Girls ($14.99 USD), Models, Inc ($14.99 USD) and Nomad, Girl without a World ($14.99 USD). Only Marvel Divas (and monthly titles like Ms. Marvel) seemed to have escaped this sad reduction binge.

I have a WHOLE STACK of digest sized trades that I unwittingly purchased at

Tim Gunn-- obviously pissed to be regulated to such a small format

one time or another. Now I have decided NOT to read them because of their cramped art and pitifully tiny word balloons… And that just sucks.

Since I am finding it increasingly hard to determine what any Marvel book is actually going to look like until it arrives in the comic book stores– I have specifically requested that my retailer let me know if any of the books I have ordered suddenly turn up digest sized. I hate to ask– to burden them with yet another one of my  idiosyncracies… But I really, really, DON’T want any more of these Marvel monstrosities entering my home ever again. Since I receive my books via mail order, I cannot look at them and reject them due to their small size… So I must rely on the fine folks at the comic shop to do it for me.

I really don’t enjoy feeling poorly fucked by Marvel when I open my box filled with comics. I want to feel joyful (or at least happy)– especially since I seem to spend over $200 on books every week. That’s a lotta moola to pay out– only to feel jerked around.

I’ve been wanting to type the following sentence ever since I started writing this Blog: I may want to read like a child but I don’t want to be treated like a child.

Hey Marvel… Be up front with me. Don’t distract from the sizes of your trades with razzle-dazzle bullshit or miraculously forget to mention your trade trim sizes in a lot of your product descriptions. The majority of your readers are not children. I know you know this… So even though a book’s content may skew a little younger– please stop printing them in digest size.

At the very least, print them in both large and small formats (like the Runaways series) so your customers can pick the format they want to purchase. I certainly wouldn’t mind paying a couple of dollars more for a larger book… And we all know that a “couple of dollars more” would actually be a big premium for us to pay just to receive slightly larger book.

At the end of the day, I would like to think that somebody– ANYBODY– at Marvel would give a shit about this… But the haphazard, bone-headed way they arbitrarily choose their Trade Paperback printing sizes would say otherwise. Just more crap from the former House of Ideas.

TRULY HORRIFYING

Entertainment Weekly‘s Scariest Films of the Past Decade

*Sniff*... Can someone pass me another tissue? *Sniff!*

I guess it was appropriate that I was reading this on the crapper as I about shit myself when I saw this list. These are the SCARIEST FILMS of the PAST DECADE? WTF?

The Ring was the best Hollywood could do in 10 whole years? A little wet bitch crawling out of TV is supposed to scare me… Let alone be the scariest thing I’ve seen in the LAST DECADE? Girl wasn’t even in 3D for chrissakes! Maybe if I felt like the witch had been crawling at me… Nah, who am I kidding? The only way that little girl would’ve scared me is if she’d lifted her head to reveal she was Sarah Palin and then announced, “I’m running for President in 2012.”

Now that would’ve been enough to freeze me dead in agony– my mouth torn agape in fear.

But I didn’t see that. I saw a wet little girl crawl out of a well and into a couple of different living rooms. I didn’t even see how she killed her victims. That was always all off camera.

Puhleeze people. I see scarier shit then this when I go to the Wal-Mart. The only thing scary about this movie is how dated it is because people have to watch a VIDEO TAPE to become cursed.

Do you even know anyone who owns a VCR anymore? I know 1 girl who does and 1 guy who’s looking for one to watch some old anime on. As I said the other day, “Good luck with that search, Bro. There are more pairs of Paris Hilton’s previously worn panties on sale out there than there are VCRs.” (I’ve included a handy link about VCRs for those kids who may have never heard of the machines.)

I’m not even going to attempt to attack the rest of this list– since the results are all subjective anyway. Although, anybody that would put 28 Days Later 4th on this craptacular (below The Descent) should really be thoroughly examined as their taste is… Oh there, I go again.

I’ll shut my mouth. In the meantime you can do what I did with the list– Read it and weep.

Introducing the WINE RACK!

Posted: August 31, 2010 in Crap, FANTASTY, WTF?
Tags: , ,
WINE IN YOUR BRA…
WHAT COULD POSSIBLY GO WRONG?

A Tasty Treat

Simple, Breast Centric Design

The Amazon description of the product starts off amazingly straight-forward– given the laugh inducing design of the product:

Comfortable sports bra with polyurathane bladder holds 25 ounces of your favorite beverage
Medium-sized bra fits 34C through 38C
Removable polyurethane bladder custom-shaped to fit bra
Long drinking tube with easy-to-use on/off valve to control the flow
Bra is machine washable; hand wash bladder

Avoid long lines for a cool, refreshing beverage at sporting events and parties with the WineRack, which integrates a polyurethane bladder into a comfortable sports bra. This medium-sized WineRack fits 34C through 38C bra sizes and holds 25 ounces (750ml) of your favorite beverage. It includes a long drinking tube with an easy-to-use on/off valve to control the flow. In addition to free-flowing beverages, the WineRack can also keep you warm or cool depending on what you fill it with as well as increase your bust size. The bra is machine washable and the removable bladder should be hand washed.

HERE’S WHERE THING’S START TO GO WAY OFF-KILTER

Then the manufacturer decides to get in on the description, running through a litany of misogynistic themes that unfortunately only start with making fun of their model’s breast size.

It is a textbook example of how NOT to promote a product (of you intend to sell any):

The Winerack every girls best friend. Turn an A cup in to double Ds and sport your favorite beverage for yourself and your friends. Better than a Boob Job and Cheaper Too. Not to mention the savings on over priced drinks. We developed The Winerack to Fill Out our product line if you will. The picture shown here is of our good friend Drea, who is not, no offense Drea, Well Endowed. Sporting the Winerack and Voila’ Drea’s giving Pamela Anderson a run for the money. Take a bottle of wine, a mixed drink or even a fifth of your favorite hard stuff to the movies, concerts, ball games, even PTA meetings. Sporting a rack that will turn heads and serving a beverage that will have guys standing in line for a sip of your secret stash. With simple blow into the tube it’s easy to keep that full look even as you drink from your secret stash.

The inner workings of this COMPLETELY UNNECESSARY device

As I was reading about the rack– laughing at the manufacturer’s magnificent marketing ineptitude– I suddenly realized there might be a silver lining in all this sexism:

I can’t wait for some female booze hound try to walk one of these on to a plane to skip the airline’s wine and liquor gouging.

If they do and they get caught– then the ladies will be taking off a helluva lot more than their shoes off at the security checkpoints!

Vive le casier à vin!

(Not really)

I feel the same way, Simon. Who needs all these shitty lists?

DOWN WITH LISTS

God, I am already so very tired of creating and posting lists… And I’ve only been doing them for 2 whole weeks. Box Office Lists. New Music Lists. TV Schedule lists. Best Sellers List. Manga Release Lists. My Pull Lists.

Fuck all these lists!

This isn’t a multi-media entertainment website. I’ll let somebody else tell you whether or not Cats & Dogs: The Revenge of Kitty Galore edged out Scott Pilgrim vs the World at this week’s box office. How boring is that shit anyway? Yet, like an idiot– I let myself be momentarily talked into adding those kinds of lists to the site.

So, sorry friend who insisted I needed to include that shit. It’s all gone. If that means we aren’t buddies anymore– then I’ll miss you… I think.

Lists are absolutely not what this site is about.

So even if some days my work and life intrudes and there aren’t any posts of note (although the Doctor Who news was pretty good for a Sunday, don’tcha think?)… That’s just the way it will have to be. I’ll post box office results when they are interesting news and leave them alone when they’re not. Same thing for the New Music Tuesday lists. Only if it is of interest.

So the only 2 lists that will survive the GREAT 2010 LIST  PURGE are: My Pull Lists and the Weekly TV Watch List. Those are the ones people seem to care about.

The New Manga Tuesday posts will show up when there are significant numbers of books to post on a list. The bulk of US Manga releases take place twice a month. There will definitely be lists then… But if there is just a trickle of Manga books during a given week… Then I’ll add them to My Pull List posts.

This idea came to me in the middle of the night. I was suddenly overwhelmed with the mission that I shouldn’t bore you with this bullshit. Instantly, I knew what my path should be: I should spend what little free time I have to tell you about stuff that matters– or stuff to avoid. At least, stuff that is absurd or funny

For in the end, who gives a shit about lists other than the list makers?

DOWN WITH THE LIST MAKERS!

Jesus SAVES... You from UNNEEDED Entertainment Lists

Screw the OFFICIAL unveiling of the Avengers Movie line-up…

Forget Geoff Johns and Grant Morrison’s HUGE 2011 DC Crossover…

MOST EXCITING Announcement/Promotion at 2010 San Diego Comic Con?

DAVID HASSELHOFF’S NEW REALITY SHOW

This video should shed some light on the HOFF’s New Show:

And they said Twilight Fans “Killed” Comic Con!



WHY SO COMPLICATED?

You know what I’m talking about– the words and phrases you have to type in to download an ad to Craigslist or verify your accounts or entries on other websites. Used to be these words were deformed greatly to hoodwink the automated spammers. Deformity (thanks, hackers!) is no longer enough.

Now the words have to be deformed and book length:

How am I supposed to type this without making a mistake? I'm a SELF TAUGHT TYPIST for chrissakes!

OK, this one's shorter but WTF is going on here? Where is the "i" in "disgust"? Is that the number "1" in the second word or an "L"?

BATMAN, INC. — WTF?

Posted: July 24, 2010 in BATMAN, Crap, STUPID MOVES
Tags:
HOW MANY BATMEN DO YOU SEE IN THESE PICTURES?

Where does he get those wonderful clones?

The Answer:

TOO MANY

Dan D-D-Didio absolutely, positively reconfirmed on G4-TV today that there will be more than one Batman running around the DC Universe.

2nd Question:

ON WHAT FUCKING PLANET DOES BRUCE WAYNE ALLOW THIS TO HAPPEN?

IF YOU WEAR IT, THEY WILL COME


If I had a dollar for every fan wanting a SEQUEL to Marvel's SIEGE Crossover-- I''D OWE YOU $124,365

JOEY Q ON THE T

What's your BEEF with Spidey, JQ? Did somebody beat you with a rolled up copy of Spider-man Annual #21?

YOU ASKED FOR IT

$19.99 at DISCRIMINATING Comics Shops!

Sorry I’m the one to tell you this, Linds… But Ben Linus from LOST is driving you to JAIL.

OOPSIE!

Nobody puts BABY in the Pokey!

P.S. Ain’t Heavy Drinking & Drug Use Grand?

P.P.S. Meryl Streep called and wants her 61-year-old NECK back!