Do you watch this piece of shit? I do!
Do you know why I watch this shit? Good! ‘Cause I don’t!
This “television show” is– beyond a shadow of a doubt– one of the most poorly manufactured, low-rent “reality” offerings ever foisted on the world… and it sucks harder than Lindsay Lohan hoping for “credit” at her a coke dealer’s house.
A Human SNIPING Machine... Among OTHER things.
You see this stupid shit to the right? This short waddling fuck is Hugh “The Polar Bear” Roland. Every year he shows up to “do battle” with this other big trucker guy named Alex Debogorsky.
It doesn’t matter that the “battle” between these two men is completely fake– an artificial construct forced on these poor drivers by grasping producers sadly attempting to add tension to this homogenized hoo-ha. Nope, that doesn’t matter at all.
These two guys banter back and forth on their CB Radios or get in each other’s faces every week… Feebly attempting to keep up the appearance of some deep-seated rivalry.
The "angry" Alex Debogorsky. Grrrr.
Well, at least the drivers are jockeying for some great prize, right? BIG MONEY, right?
NO! There is NO PRIZE! NO PARADE! NO PAY-OFF for being the driver who has driven the most loads up and down the dangerous winding ice road… Just the “bragging rights” that they came in first in “the dash for the cash”.
“WHAT FUCKING CASH” you ask?
You mean they just receive their REGULAR PAYCHECK at the end of the year?!? The same one they’d get if NO cameras were rolling? Yep.
To be clear– I don’t have much of a beef with Alex. He’s a rustic man. The proud Catholic Papa of ELEVEN children. But, be warned– he has a really weird sense of humor that causes him to laugh at the most inopportune moments. Still, I gotta hand it to him. If I had 11 kids ages 7 to 35, I’d be crying non-stop or dead… So he’s a better man than me.
So Alex is OK… But this Hugh “The Polar Bear” Roland guy really gets my panties in a bunch. His has maybe the worst “Napoleon Complex” I have ever witnessed. He makes Tom Cruise look ten feet tall.
Short and round like the Legion of Super-Heroes Bouncing Boy, Hugh’s got none of the aforementioned hero’s good-natured likability or positive traits. He is a broad snake of a man, spitting venom at every single comment someone makes– even if it is not directed at him. His contempt for everyone and everything is endless. He insults French Toast for chrissakes! Worst of all, he LAUGHS and LAUGHS after every one of his lame bon mots– like he’s attempting to be the ice road equivalent of the irritating vaudeville comedian Henny Youngman.
Hugh’s hollow laughs are all for the show. He knows he sucks ass… and the more he knows, the more he snipes. And laughs– LOUDLY and LONG. You can tell that the presence of cameras only serve to amplify Hugh’s boorish traits. Some “reality” that makes, huh?
Even worse than the bombastic Polar Bear though– is the show itself. You’d think with all these truckers whizzing around hairpin turns on roads covered with ice and snow (hence the series’ title) something would happen– sometime. BUT NOTHING EVER HAPPENS. Every fucking week the voice-over guy (also the show’s producer in another asinine cost-cutting move) acts like something horrible is just around the next curve– trucks will jack-knife, trucks will fall off a cliff, truckers will get covered by an avalanche– but none of that shit ever fucking happens! Every week it is just the same bunch of sad sacks, looking at the cameras and giving their “worst case scenario” speech for every minor predicament that they may encounter. Of course, their fantasized tales always reek of death, destruction and freezing… But the worst thing these idiots ever face on “The most dangerous ice road in the world!” is having to slap chains onto their truck tires. And Boy! Do they BITCH about having to do that! Even the Polar Bear doesn’t laugh when he’s putting on chains, Baby! He just huffs, puffs, grunts and whines like an overweight pig.
Finally, more offensive than all the producer’s blatant story manipulations– is their portrayal of the only FEMALE Ice Road Trucker, Lisa Kelly.
Hey Lisa, You're So Fine... Your'e So Fine You BLOW My...Errr....
It certainly doesn’t help Lisa’s overall appeal that she was willing to play the half-wit, bat-your-eyes-at-the-boys-so-they’ll-fix-your-truck prick tease last season. She accomplished a lot of cool things all by herself by doing her job competently a year ago– especially considering she was constantly facing the jibes of the Redneck Ice Trucker Iron Curtain. But because she was so willing to play the Flirty Git, now all the truckers– including ALL HER BOSSES– seem to think Lisa has “something to prove” this year. (Or so they lead us to believe.)
So every friggin’ week we’re treated to scene after scene of Lisa battling against the ice road and the other trucker’s crippling misconceptions… Even though they have ALL CONVENIENTLY FORGOTTEN SHE ALREADY PROVED HERSELF LAST YEAR. So does Lisa rebel and start emphasizing all her accomplishments in a feminist tirade worthy of a modern Norma Rae? Nope. She takes the OTHER Sally Field approach– she smiles widely, bends over, takes her “medicine” like a champ and hopes they all like her, they really like her. Just like Alex and Hugh’s rivalry– Lisa’s entire redemption storyline is yet another fake construct… Except this bullshit is much more grave as it not only promotes sexism– it revels in it with a bacchanalian fervor.
Women should openly weep at Lisa Kelly’s one-sided portrayal on this show… And Lisa should go into another line of work that has more self-esteem and stature connected to it… Like stripping.
At the end of each episode, when I really think about it– I sit and wonder if I might just be continuing to watch this poorly made piece of trash because I am hoping some disaster WILL strike– therefore “validating” the wasting of my life by watching this shit for three years running.
If that is true– and I’ve become just some TV ambulance chaser secretly wishing for a poor trucker to experience a major league bout of horrifying misfortune… I might be worse than the Producers. Or, at the very least, just as much to blame as them.
Yeah, maybe that’s it. Maybe we’re ALL just assholes.