Posts Tagged ‘Crap’

I can't imagine having this many friends-- let alone this many to COSPLAY with!

This is my fave San Diego story– so I’ll cut right to the meat and forgo all my long-winded “filler” crap:

It’s San Diego Comic Con. After a hard day “working” the convention (Hey! Walking around and talking to people about their projects and books IS hard!)– I decide to hit the Gaslamp District bars with one of my Favorite Pals in the whole wide world– a married comic book writer (one of those descriptive facts will become important in a second) that I’ll call Bill. (Mainly ’cause “Bill” is easy to type.)

We walk into this bar– which is wall-to-wall. Everybody’s drinking profusely. Lots of attractive people inside too.

My kind of place.

We struggle to reach the bar. It’s worse than Manhattan’s “A” Train during RUSH HOUR. You’re forced to rub up against all kinds of people you’d rather not– but the few you do like rubbing up against make up for the close “dude-on-dude” contact.

Order drinks. Laughing. Meeting all kinds of new people. Very attractive women decide that the bar floor is too crowded and we help them hop on the bar so they can dance.

Thank you Lindsay Lohan. Thank you Paris Hilton. Thank you Britney Spears.

If you know where to look, you'll see A LOT of these in San Diego.

Out of the 5 ladies now dancing on the bar– 4 have on short dresses and have obviously forgotten they’ve gone commando tonight.

Enjoying the view. Drinks and sights are making us randy.

Bill (the married one, remember) suddenly sees a beautiful tanned goddess walk by wearing a flimsy black dress so short it should be (and probably is in Utah) illegal.

Suddenly Bill’s hand darts up and up under the lady’s skirt… Where I can tell by the way his forearm muscles are tightly flexing– Bill has decided to partake in a serious gambit of GRAB ASS.

The woman snaps her neck around and yelps, “Hey, that’s MY ASS!”

Bill, not losing a beat, replies, “Yeah, I know! Isn’t it great?

And then the woman smiles, Bill finally loosens his grip and INEXPLICABLY she says, “You’re cute.” and kisses him on the mouth.

And they say “The Meek shall inherit the Earth”.

Yeah. Right.

TODAY’S SING-A-LONG

♫ “I HATE ROCK ‘N ROLL! WOULD YOU PLEASE TAKE YOUR GUN OUT AND SHOOT ME?” ♫

This happened in Charlotte, North Carolina– 12/31/09– during their New Year’s Eve “First Night” Festivities.

ENJOY!

My favorite part is when the singer limply asks, “Are you ready to ROCK OUT, Charlotte?”

“Well, what the hell have we been doing for the last agonizing 1 minute and 34 seconds?”

And the look on the Back-Up Singer’s face is PRICELESS.

“MOVE OVER, JOANIE!”

And yes, that is former “A Current Affair” Anchorwoman MAUREEN O’BOYLE working in regional Broadcast TV!

In just a few minutes– you won’t enjoy eating them ever again.

CARNIVORE BASTARDS!

Toxic Catfish Video

THIS “FISH FARM” LOOKS INNOCUOUS ENOUGH, RIGHT?

What you CAN see CAN kill you!

If HUMANS are 98% Water– this HUGE CATFISH is 70% Toxic Waste, 28% Human Waste:


At least we finally know where Jimmy Hoffa is!

UPDATE EDIT:

Finally received the replacement copy for Entertainment Weekly’s San Diego Comic Con issue. Thankfully, “The New Buffy” headline they had splashed on the cover was NOT referencing a possible new Whedon-less Buffy Movie– but was touting the new “Buffy MOTION Comic”.

Which proves that– with the internet– there is no “new” news anymore.

And if I was going to be wrong, I’m glad it was in one of my very first Blog Posts. I’m certain I’ll never go off “half-cocked” again… Ever. ;-)

INSTEAD OF WRITING “THE NEW BUFFY”, WHY DIDN’T THEY JUST WRITE…

“FUCK YOU, BUFFY FANS!”*

WHAAAAAAAAAAAT?!?

* MY APOLOGIES TO JOSS WHEDON IF THIS ANNOUNCEMENT IS NOT ALLUDING TO WHAT I THINK IT IS. BUT IF IT IS REFERENCING WHAT I THINK IT IS… THEN WE’RE FUCKED!

ARE YOU F’ING KIDDING ME?!?

Your looking AWFULLY SINEWY, Mr. Reynolds!

HONEST TO FRICKIN’ GOD…

My first reaction when I saw this was somebody had pasted Ryan Reynold’s head on top of an illustration from the medical text, GRAY’S ANATOMY… Then PAINTED IT GREEN.

GETTING A SENSE OF DEJA VU YET?

The first and the best! Move over, GL!


Are YOU one of these DIPSHITS?

I try not to preach. I just lay my opinions out there like every other asshole. (Okay, maybe not like every other asshole.) But I can’t help but expose one of my BIGGEST PET PEEVES. (Oh, before I start– here’s another one too.)

Over the last 10 years, I’ve noticed a very real sea change among people in this country. A change that is almost as caustic and irreparable as BP’s Gulf Disaster. I call it the Rise of Everyone’s Inner George Carlin or alternately Rush Limbaugh Syndrome.

Sorry. I met George Carlin. I hung out with George Carlin. Most of you will NEVER be George Carlin-- no matter how much you try to WISE ASS it up.

We all have “friends” that fall into this description. (Or maybe you’re already afflicted yourself.) These people see comics being irreverent on Late Night cable, you watch a genius like Lewis Black screaming on The Daily ShowAnd you think, “I can do that!”

I’m directing this post toward these people– assholes of the first order.

THE RISE OF THE CLUELESS AMERICAN ASSHOLE

I hate to break it to you amateur comedians– but you’re nowhere near as talented as you think you are. You’re not funny. You’re not an observational genius. Most importantly, you’re not smart enough to be any of the above. You’re just a boorish– maybe even secretly dangerous– clown.

What passes for your too-clever-by-half humor is really just an excuse for you to try to feel bigger than someone else… Or worse– to denigrate people because you are jealous of them. For those who believe in such things, there is absolutely a special Ring in Hell for you– where you’ll be forced to watch David Spade movies 24/7 while a syphilis-infected doppelgänger of Chris Farley fucks you repeatedly in the arse.

The sad thing truth is– you are completely clueless to all your failures. You think you’re “da man”, the “real deal”, the guy “everybody loves”– but you are the exact opposite. Nobody likes you (except maybe your Mommas– and even that’s not a given). Your Fathers curse the day you were born as they privately hang their heads in shame… Dreaming of being able to go back in time and chop off their dicks before impregnating your long-suffering Mothers. Your Brothers & Sisters– the ones you think you are so superior to? They will all be more successful than you– while the best you’ll ever accomplish is maybe an Assistant Manager’s position at a KFC fast food dive– and that’s if you’re lucky. Better yet, you’ll most likely just have to settle for being one of their murdering asshole chicken killers.

You definitely won’t being getting laid anytime soon, unless you happen across some similarly clueless witch who is too into herself to even realize you’re an asshole. If that’s the case, enjoy the fake tits buddy– you’ve earned them.

Is a Carrie Prejean-type witch in YOUR future?

If you possessed an ounce of self awareness, you would immediately embark on an asshole’s version of a 12 Step Program– immediately apologizing to every one of the people you have ever childishly offended… From the woman you smirked at because you thought she was too fat (even though you’re the size of the side of a barn), the gay man or woman you grossly mimicked with a homophobic sneer or the handicapped person you laughed and pointed to because you thought they took too long to grab a seat on the Space Mountain ride. You’d also adjust your attitude real quick… Especially if you knew the path you walk on is one filled with paranoid insecurity, despair– and eventually– a lonely death.

Do you really want to end up like this?

Who knows– maybe you’ll become really powerful one day. You’ll lord it over the “lesser” people in your life– secure that yours’ is a benevolent rule worthy of fealty and praise. You’d be very wrong. You will be roundly despised and mocked in private. And the wave of hatred people will unleash at your passing will dwarf anything Mel Gibson will ever be going through– now or in the future. People will spit at the mention of your name and deface your grave– and not in a good way like this.

In the end, you will be the same in death as you were in life– a worthless piece of shit.

It’s time to grow up and quit being a BIG PUSSY.

Should it be your goal to still be yelling at kids on Xbox Live when you’re 50?

Let me go ahead and answer that for you, Pals ‘n Gals. The answer is NO.

AND YOU THOUGHT “SECRET INVASION” WAS LONG OVER!
APPARENTLY NOT.

Pretty in Pink... And Green.

And this just in… Andy Diggle did NOT write the first issue of Shadowland.

JEPH LOEB DID!

(Oops! Printer’s Mistake!)

…And the REAL Daredevil isn’t bad. This is the NEW SKRULL QUEEN.

JUST ANOTHER EPIC FAIL FOR NORMAN OSBORN.

For lovers of these types of hideous storylines, maybe Shadowland’s got your name all over it:

The FIRST THING I do when I become HOMICIDAL is order NEW TIGHTS.

THIS JULY, DAREDEVIL GOES COMMANDO!

HOW BAD IS IT? IT’S THAT BAD!

I haven’t read Shadowland yet… and I won’t read it for a while.

But I still know what looks good.

AND THIS LOOKS LIKE SHIT!

I find the limply drawn “Double D’s” on his chest particularly offensive.

You just know those D’s are going to look different in EVERY FUCKING panel!

Do you watch this piece of shit? I do!

Do you know why I watch this shit? Good! ‘Cause I don’t!

This “television show” is– beyond a shadow of a doubt– one of the most poorly manufactured, low-rent “reality” offerings ever foisted on the world… and it sucks harder than Lindsay Lohan hoping for “credit” at her a coke dealer’s house.

A Human SNIPING Machine... Among OTHER things.

You see this stupid shit to the right? This short waddling fuck is Hugh “The Polar Bear” Roland. Every year he shows up to “do battle” with this other big trucker guy named Alex Debogorsky.

It doesn’t matter that the “battle” between these two men is completely fake– an artificial construct forced on these poor drivers by grasping producers sadly attempting to add tension to this homogenized hoo-ha. Nope, that doesn’t matter at all.

These two guys banter back and forth on their CB Radios or get in each other’s faces every week… Feebly attempting to keep up the appearance of some deep-seated rivalry.

The "angry" Alex Debogorsky. Grrrr.

Well, at least the drivers are jockeying for some great prize, right? BIG MONEY, right?

NO! There is NO PRIZE! NO PARADE! NO PAY-OFF for being the driver who has driven the most loads up and down the dangerous winding ice road… Just the “bragging rights” that they came in first in “the dash for the cash”.

“WHAT FUCKING CASH” you ask?

You mean they just receive their REGULAR PAYCHECK at the end of the year?!? The same one they’d get if NO cameras were rolling? Yep.

To be clear– I don’t have much of a beef with Alex. He’s a rustic man. The proud Catholic Papa of ELEVEN children. But, be warned– he has a really weird sense of humor that causes him to laugh at the most inopportune moments. Still, I gotta hand it to him. If I had 11 kids ages 7 to 35, I’d be crying non-stop or dead… So he’s a better man than me.

So Alex is OK… But this Hugh “The Polar Bear” Roland guy really gets my panties in a bunch. His has maybe the worst “Napoleon Complex” I have ever witnessed. He makes Tom Cruise look ten feet tall.

Short and round like the Legion of Super-Heroes Bouncing Boy, Hugh’s got none of the aforementioned hero’s good-natured likability or positive traits. He is a broad snake of a man, spitting venom at every single comment someone makes– even if it is not directed at him. His contempt for everyone and everything is endless. He insults French Toast for chrissakes! Worst of all, he LAUGHS and LAUGHS after every one of his lame bon mots– like he’s attempting to be the ice road equivalent of the irritating vaudeville comedian Henny Youngman.

Hugh’s hollow laughs are all for the show. He knows he sucks ass… and the more he knows, the more he snipes. And laughs– LOUDLY and LONG. You can tell that the presence of cameras only serve to amplify Hugh’s boorish traits. Some “reality” that makes, huh?

Even worse than the bombastic Polar Bear though– is the show itself. You’d think with all these truckers whizzing around hairpin turns on roads covered with ice and snow (hence the series’ title) something would happen– sometime. BUT NOTHING EVER HAPPENS. Every fucking week the voice-over guy (also the show’s producer in another asinine cost-cutting move) acts like something horrible is just around the next curve– trucks will jack-knife, trucks will fall off a cliff, truckers will get covered by an avalanche– but none of that shit ever fucking happens! Every week it is just the same bunch of sad sacks, looking at the cameras and giving their “worst case scenario” speech for every minor predicament that they may encounter. Of course, their fantasized tales always reek of death, destruction and freezing… But the worst thing these idiots ever face on “The most dangerous ice road in the world!” is having to slap chains onto their truck tires. And Boy! Do they BITCH about having to do that! Even the Polar Bear doesn’t laugh when he’s putting on chains, Baby! He just huffs, puffs, grunts and whines like an overweight pig.

Finally, more offensive than all the producer’s blatant story manipulations– is their portrayal of the only FEMALE Ice Road Trucker, Lisa Kelly.

Hey Lisa, You're So Fine... Your'e So Fine You BLOW My...Errr....

It certainly doesn’t help Lisa’s overall appeal that she was willing to play the half-wit, bat-your-eyes-at-the-boys-so-they’ll-fix-your-truck prick tease last season. She accomplished a lot of cool things all by herself by doing her job competently a year ago– especially considering she was constantly facing the jibes of the Redneck Ice Trucker Iron Curtain. But because she was so willing to play the Flirty Git, now all the truckers– including ALL HER BOSSES– seem to think Lisa has “something to prove” this year. (Or so they lead us to believe.)

So every friggin’ week we’re treated to scene after scene of Lisa battling against the ice road and the other trucker’s crippling misconceptions… Even though they have ALL CONVENIENTLY FORGOTTEN SHE ALREADY PROVED HERSELF LAST YEAR. So does Lisa rebel and start emphasizing all her accomplishments in a feminist tirade worthy of a modern Norma Rae? Nope. She takes the OTHER Sally Field approach– she smiles widely, bends over, takes her “medicine” like a champ and hopes they all like her, they really like her. Just like Alex and Hugh’s rivalry– Lisa’s entire redemption storyline is yet another fake construct… Except this bullshit is much more grave as it not only promotes sexismit revels in it with a bacchanalian fervor.

Women should openly weep at Lisa Kelly’s one-sided portrayal on this show… And Lisa should go into another line of work that has more self-esteem and stature connected to it… Like stripping.

At the end of each episode, when I really think about it– I sit and wonder if I might just be continuing to watch this poorly made piece of trash because I am hoping some disaster WILL strike– therefore “validating” the wasting of my life by watching this shit for three years running.

If that is true– and I’ve become just some TV ambulance chaser secretly wishing for a poor trucker to experience a major league bout of horrifying misfortune… I might be worse than the Producers. Or, at the very least, just as much to blame as them.

Yeah, maybe that’s it. Maybe we’re ALL just assholes.