Are YOU one of these DIPSHITS?
I try not to preach. I just lay my opinions out there like every other asshole. (Okay, maybe not like every other asshole.) But I can’t help but expose one of my BIGGEST PET PEEVES. (Oh, before I start– here’s another one too.)
Over the last 10 years, I’ve noticed a very real sea change among people in this country. A change that is almost as caustic and irreparable as BP’s Gulf Disaster. I call it the Rise of Everyone’s Inner George Carlin or alternately Rush Limbaugh Syndrome.
Sorry. I met George Carlin. I hung out with George Carlin. Most of you will NEVER be George Carlin-- no matter how much you try to WISE ASS it up.
We all have “friends” that fall into this description. (Or maybe you’re already afflicted yourself.) These people see comics being irreverent on Late Night cable, you watch a genius like Lewis Black screaming on The Daily Show… And you think, “I can do that!”
I’m directing this post toward these people– assholes of the first order.
THE RISE OF THE CLUELESS AMERICAN ASSHOLE
I hate to break it to you amateur comedians– but you’re nowhere near as talented as you think you are. You’re not funny. You’re not an observational genius. Most importantly, you’re not smart enough to be any of the above. You’re just a boorish– maybe even secretly dangerous– clown.
What passes for your too-clever-by-half humor is really just an excuse for you to try to feel bigger than someone else… Or worse– to denigrate people because you are jealous of them. For those who believe in such things, there is absolutely a special Ring in Hell for you– where you’ll be forced to watch David Spade movies 24/7 while a syphilis-infected doppelgänger of Chris Farley fucks you repeatedly in the arse.
The sad thing truth is– you are completely clueless to all your failures. You think you’re “da man”, the “real deal”, the guy “everybody loves”– but you are the exact opposite. Nobody likes you (except maybe your Mommas– and even that’s not a given). Your Fathers curse the day you were born as they privately hang their heads in shame… Dreaming of being able to go back in time and chop off their dicks before impregnating your long-suffering Mothers. Your Brothers & Sisters– the ones you think you are so superior to? They will all be more successful than you– while the best you’ll ever accomplish is maybe an Assistant Manager’s position at a KFC fast food dive– and that’s if you’re lucky. Better yet, you’ll most likely just have to settle for being one of their murdering asshole chicken killers.
You definitely won’t being getting laid anytime soon, unless you happen across some similarly clueless witch who is too into herself to even realize you’re an asshole. If that’s the case, enjoy the fake tits buddy– you’ve earned them.
Is a Carrie Prejean-type witch in YOUR future?
If you possessed an ounce of self awareness, you would immediately embark on an asshole’s version of a 12 Step Program– immediately apologizing to every one of the people you have ever childishly offended… From the woman you smirked at because you thought she was too fat (even though you’re the size of the side of a barn), the gay man or woman you grossly mimicked with a homophobic sneer or the handicapped person you laughed and pointed to because you thought they took too long to grab a seat on the Space Mountain ride. You’d also adjust your attitude real quick… Especially if you knew the path you walk on is one filled with paranoid insecurity, despair– and eventually– a lonely death.
Do you really want to end up like this?
Who knows– maybe you’ll become really powerful one day. You’ll lord it over the “lesser” people in your life– secure that yours’ is a benevolent rule worthy of fealty and praise. You’d be very wrong. You will be roundly despised and mocked in private. And the wave of hatred people will unleash at your passing will dwarf anything Mel Gibson will ever be going through– now or in the future. People will spit at the mention of your name and deface your grave– and not in a good way like this.
In the end, you will be the same in death as you were in life– a worthless piece of shit.
It’s time to grow up and quit being a BIG PUSSY.
Should it be your goal to still be yelling at kids on Xbox Live when you’re 50?
Let me go ahead and answer that for you, Pals ‘n Gals. The answer is NO.